Very often I have an intense explosion of thoughts/ ideas in my mind. I can easily get overwhelmed by my own internal landscape. Right now is such a moment and normally this state of mind paralyze me (from an execution perspective), because it is almost impossible to get a starting point of anything, since everything is just wildly swirling around inside.
However, I thought it could be interesting to actually write about this, in the very moment it occurs. So I managed to grab a starting point after all and 1) Locate me laptop – 2) Sit down – 3) Open and start the laptop – 4) Identify an image for the post and 5) Start writing this post, with emphasis on “START” because I have no idea where it will end up, all while actively trying to stay focused on this task only (and not starting anything else in the middle of the process, while hundreds of other ideas are looking for my attention).
(Pause with some fidgeting and stimming occuring while trying to grab the starting point of the next step)
I am thinking about how I may have interpreted this state of mind earlier, without my neurodivergence understanding of myself… I will need to come back to that because it is blank to me right now. One thing I DO know though, is that this is a great example of one of all the things that I have beaten myself up for earlier, that I have felt “lazy/ wrong/ stupid” about; The execution paralysation.
There have been uncountable “I SHOULD be able to do this! Others can do it!” throughout my life.
“SHOULD” is no longer part of my active vocabulary. I will get back to language related thoughts in this blog (probably) many times. There is so much in it!
Now the energy is out so this exercise is over 🙂
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